Sparrowhawk

Twice now I have tried to post a voice post and twice now after one minute my phone card cuts me off and hangs up.

Irritating to say the least because i was right in the middle of a thought, and I have used up two voice posts.

What I wanted to tell you is where I have been, what I am up to, and then next stage of my internet prescence.

But I will wait till I can sort this issue out.

Too sick and angry now to bother explaining.

With everything that is going on right now, everything that I need to think about, hurdles I need to get over, its only natural that there would be things I need to write about. My head is so full, I feel like if I do not write it will become chaos. So I write to provide myself with a little sanity here and there.

I am seeking, seeking an answer to my souls questions. I want to know God in a way that I can understand Him/Her/It/They. I have looked at Christianity again, briefly, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, and other places. My soul needs a quiet place of refuge, where my prayers are heard, where I CAN pray. By prayer I do not mean that I say religiously formulated anything.... but where I can open my soul in silent communion with whatever is out there.

So yeah, I am seeking. Looking for a way, a system... no, a flavor that suits me. As I am going along, I am sort of discovering that rituals, though they are important to some, make me wonder why. Why am I doing this homage to God, why do I have to do this in order to make him love me? Are rituals not just man's way of connecting? I mean the rosary, is similar to Mala beads, that is similar to chanting. I understand why it exists but why do I have to chose one way? If I am Buddhist, Mala beads, Catholic, rosary,..... But why? Prayer is prayer, and its all good, I am not saying it is not good... but why can I not bring my Mala to Church and say my mantra under my breath in between all the formula prayers.

I dunno.... I am, as I said, seeking. I think connection to a Higher Power is essential. What I call my Higher Power means that some shun me, and some embrace me. Why? I mean when I was looking at Islam I actually shocked a lot of people, they were frantic. OMG no!! Not Islam? Why not? Same thing with Catholicism, a lot of my friends were all NOOOOOOO. People. Its just a system of connection to my Higher Power.

My soul seeks a place, a simplicity where I can stop worrying about all the nitty gritty of life, and just come to a quiet peace where I can connect to the Divine. I have seriously investigated becoming a nun. Its still a consideration. I have considered retreat. I have considered permanent retreat. I have considered getting a cabin in the woods and just living in the grace of God. There is an answer out there. I am seeking it.

With the best of intentions

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